I try to be thoughtful about the Halloween candy I buy to give out to the kids. Kids can tell when you buy the cheap shit, or don’t put any effort in. See: Caramel Chews. I also try to mix it up with a good ratio between chocolate and pure dextrose. When I saw there was a mega-box of Fun Dip for sale in the Halloween section, I knew I had to get it at any price. And that price was $6.99, which cost more than the girlfriend and I’s last date–a case of Natty Boh and television. But with Fun Dip, I knew could Wow the kids.
For those that don’t know Fun Dip, it’s flavored sugar in a packet intended to be consumed by licking a candy stick and using the moistened stick to collect some of the sugar. The most common flavors are cherry, grape, and a raspberry/apple combination that turns from blue when dry to green when wet with saliva.
I’ve never seen Halloween Fun Dip. I’ve never seen Fun Dip in packaging besides the traditional 3-flavor pack. Fun Dip is always sold on the lowest shelves in the convenience stores, at a kid’s eye level. When I was a kid myself, Fun Dip was legendary. My bike thrown to the ground beside me, sitting on the stoop, eating a packet of sugar with a spit-covered stick was awesome. I could barely believe my mother would even allow me to do something like this. I would be so eager to bite into the stick, but I had to wait until all the sugar was lapped up, lick by lick by lick. FUN DIP.
HELL Yes, I am going to WOW the kids.
Aside from some jack-o-lanterns on the front of the box, there isn’t anything else Halloween about the Fun Dip. Some special flavors in orange & black powder would have turned Fun Dip into a rite in which God was uniquely present, but we’ll just have to accept seeing 50 packets of Fun Dip in one place is pretty spectacular in its own way.
Of course, I had to eat a Fun Dip. I chose the Razz-Apple flavor because the word “diddly” triggers a strange skin-crawling sensation. I can’t remember the last time I had one, but I probably had a Ninja Turtles poster on my wall at the time.
Wait–I totally have a Ninja Turtle poster on my wall now–a very small poster, which makes it okay. Further making it okay is that I like Ninja Turtles in a completely appropiate way. (There are adults that like Ninja Turtles in inappropiate ways. There are message boards. It’s material worthy of entirely different post. Case studies.) I have relationships with real humans. In fact, me and the girlfriend’s first date was that stupid-but-not-awful CGI Turtles movie from 3 years ago. From Ninja Turtles to Natty Boh.
But back to Fun Dip–here are my immediate thoughts: my doctor and dentist would be very unhappy if they knew what I was doing. You know how when you meet a new doc and you have to go through the questionaire, and they ask if you do “street drugs”? This makes me feel like I should say yes. The blue sugar is burning my throat. Razz Apple Magic Dip tastes vaguely of pool water–chemically. I don’t like re-dipping the stick in the sugar. It’s like eating granulated saliva. Still, I lick up the entire packet. It’s addictive. I need more. I can’t stop. The Lik-a-stick has a pleasant, chalky taste, much like candy cigarettes. Very thirst-inducing. My gums are hurting–almost pulsing.
Here’s something I learned–the Lik-a-Stick can also be used as chalk. Now I feel good about my digestive tract. (And it feels good about the ramen noodle/Tastykake combo I had for dinner.)
Here’s another thing I learned–there’s a petition online for Fun Dip to add another stick.
We, the Fun Dip-loving citizens of the world, have chosen to take action with this petition to fix one of the world’s greatest problems. While Fun Dip may appear to be the perfect candy of choice, it is not. It has one major flaw, one achilles heel so huge, that it often ruins a Fun Dip experience.
People buy their Fun Dip most often in the triple packs, which contain three different flavors. Unfortunately, the penny pinching head honchos at Nestle decided to only give us two sticks to eat our delicious flavored sugar, not three. This is an outrage and an embarrassment for the entire company of Nestle, even their pet dogs! It leads to an amazing predicament:
a] Use one stick for one flavor, then one stick to use the other two…this brings about the problem of not only mixing flavors, but also forces you to eat two flavors right in a row, or else the stick gets all weird and gross and dry
b] Use the two sticks, then be left without a stick for their final flavor…this forces one to either tip the bag and pour the sugar into their mouth [which leads to a messy shirt and too much sugar entering your mouth at once], or using their finger, making that finger the flavor that you eat for the rest of the day
This is ridiculous, and change is needed. In case Nestle didn’t know, in the United States, we pride ourselves on freedom, democracy, and the right to have the proper amount of white sticks for our Fun Dip damnit!
In closing, Nestle, unless you hate America, give us a third stick…we demand it! USA! USA! USA!
Whoever wrote that is a genius and my hero. It’s also clear they have an inappropiate relationship with Fun Dip. Just for the hell of it though, let’s all join in. USA! USA! USA!