The other night I was thinking it was time to roll out the Shoney’s Bear for another post. For those of you just tuning in, the Shoney’s Bear has a very special place in this blog’s heart. Shoney’s is a restaurant chain in the southern and midwestern states that has, in my opinion, the most unappealing name–as well as the most unappealing food. But they have this adorable mascot. The Shoney’s Bear is like, the unofficial spokesbear of The Surfing Pizza, and my own personal punching bag.
In bringing the bear back for another post, I was thinking it had to be something big–something like, the Shoney’s Bear Lands on Mars; or the Shoney’s Bear Jumps Through a Flaming Hoop. But I don’t have the talent and patience needed to reconstruct a Mars diorama in the living room, and I just couldn’t think of a way to do a flaming hoop without risking burning the house down. Sure, I could photoshop these things, but I pride myself in doing “stuntwork” the old-fashioned way–using props and photography.
Then last night, I came up with it–my big idea. This was over a pitcher of beer after the Orioles’ game. Here’s something that does not exist on the internet–or anywhere in the world–until I thought of it. Now I know what it must have felt like when Chuck Berry invented rock and roll. What McCartney felt like when he woke up with the tune to Yesterday in his head. To come up with something brand new, something that the world has never seen or heard.
This is a very special post with the Shoney’s Bear–a post in which:
The Shoney’s Bear Looks For the Perfect Place to Poop.
Consider this also my personal tribute to the legendary pool scene from the film Caddyshack. In the movie, someone drops a Baby Ruth in the swimming pool and the children scream and scramble when they think it’s poop floating in the pool. This scene has inspired me since I was a kid, and gives me warm fuzzy feelings of summer, community pools, and a time when Bill Murray was young.
(If you haven’t seen it, here it is on YouTube.)
#5 – The Toilet
Of course, the Shoney’s Bear tries the toilet first. But something is very, very wrong. Baby Ruths do not float! The whole pool scene is a sham. When the Shoney’s Bear pooped in the toilet, that Baby Ruth sunk straight to the bottom.
The Shoney’s Bear just wants to you know that he can poop all by himself. But while toilets are a pretty good place to poop, this one is just a little cramped and sweaty. The Shoney’s Bear wants to find the perfect spot. So let’s keep looking.
#4 – In The Hipsters’ Bushes
My neighbors are the most insufferable hipsters I have ever seen in my life. I saw the neighbor the other day wearing cut-off women’s shorts–I guess you’d call ’em daisy dukes–a half-shirt muscle tee showing off a hairy stomach, and a rhinestoned trucker hat with USA spraypainted on it. I know it sounds like I completely made that up, but I swear I have not exaggerated a single detail. He was even drinking a PBR.
I hate the hipsters. This is why the hipsters’ bushes are the number four place for the Shoney’s Bear to poop. But the bushes are a little itchy and we think we saw a spider. A spider crawling up your butt while pooping would be a real drag, and I think the hipsters are watching me from their window. So let’s get outta here and poop somewhere else.
#3 – The Lettuce Crisper
The Shoney’s Bear just wanted to poop on the carrots. But something just isn’t satisfying. There must something more satisfying…
#2 – Giant Picture of Billy Joel
Billy Joel is, without a doubt in my mind, the worst artist of all time. At first, this statement may surprise you. You think, Really? Billy Joel? When there’s been artists like Right Said Fred, or Richard Marx? Bryan Adams? But slowly, it will begin to make sense. It’s too easy to pick on Bryan Adams, and Summer of ’69 was kinda an OK song. And Right Said Fred? Well, you liked it when you were 10. And Richard Marx? Eh. He had a good mullet–hey, who was he anyway?
But for Joel, there is no shrugging him off. He’s still there. He still takes up space. Every song makes my skin crawl. I develop a dime-sized rash on my neck everytime I enter the grocery store and For The Longest Time is playing, which is every time, as though they cue it up for me. He is unforgiveably cheesy, derivative, egotistical, uncool, mediocre, and awful. Billy Joel is awful.
Imagine my horror when driving to Citi Field a few weekends ago to see Paul McCartney play, when I learned that Billy Joel had joined him onstage the night before. If Billy Joel came out during my show to bang on the keys during I Saw Her Standing There, I would have vomited everything I had ever eaten in my entire life. Thankfully, it did not happen the 2nd night of the show. Close call. Awful.
Pooping on this picture of Billy Joel is good, and pooping on a copy of The Stranger would be even gooder, but there is still one more place to poop that’s just perfect.
#1 – Ice Cream Sundae
In the Shoney’s Bear’s quest to find the perfect place to poop, the ice cream sundae is just right. And hey, it’s no big deal. (What I’ll tell the psychiatrists when they question me about this post.) It was just a Baby Ruth.