Pillow People were unleashed on the world in 1986–monstrous, square pillows with decal faces and gangling appendages. I never owned one myself, but I knew of them through their product placement on the television show, Full House. DJ had a Pillow Person, and in fact, there are several episodes revolving around DJ’s Pillow Person–like the episode where the Pillow Person doesn’t fit in on the first day of school because it doesn’t have the right sweater, and the episode where the Pillow Person falls off the horse while riding, suffering amnesia. But my favorite episode is where they are planning a circus themed birthday party for the Pillow Person, except the Pillow Person is afraid of clowns.
About two weekends ago, I got stuck with a giant California Raisin Pillow Person. I was at the flea market as usual, rummaging for old NES games and Surfing Pizza material, but it had been a total bust so far that day. All I had was a Don Post Studio prop bloody ear that I’m saving to scare the crap out of a small child on Halloween. Then I saw it, a few tables ahead. I walked closer. Is that a California Raisin thing? Yes, yes it was a California Raisin thing. But what kind of thing is it? Then I saw it clearly–the biggest, ugliest, and perhaps last existing California Raisin Pillow Person.
With some hesitation and fear, I picked it up, just to get a closer look at it. Right away, the seller pounced. “Two bucks,” he offered it to me. I was still speechless.
“And I’ll throw in this California Raisins blanket too,” he added, desperately. I looked up to see a filthy blanket, threadbare and so faded that the singing Raisins were gray. I could feel the girlfriend shudder in fear that I might take that offer, as one of her rules is “nothing that looks flea-infested”, but even I wouldn’t bring home that blanket. “Uh, no thanks,” I said, also setting the Pillow Person back on the table. “One dollar,” the seller said, “you can have that pillow for a dollar.” I laughed. “Nope, really don’t want it.”
I took a step away. “Fifty cents…no–a quarter!” he said.
I took another step back.
Then the seller picked the Raisin up, shoved him in and my hands, and said, “Free! Take it, I want to get rid of it!” Of course, I couldn’t turn down a free thing, and as we finished the rest of the flea market, I felt exhilarated by GETTING SOMETHING FOR FREE. But as the high wore off, grim reality began to set in. Now I had this thing in my life. It is Huge. No, it’s huger than huge, it’s humongously huge. No–it ain’t humongously huge–it’s RFB. You know what RFB is? Really Fucking Big.
So now, to demonstrate the RFB factor of the humongously huge California Raisin Pillow Person–The Surfing Pizza, your source for complete and utter CRAP–presents: The California Raisin Pillow Person vs. Stuff.
The California Raisin Pillow Person Vs. California Raisins:
As I photographed this, I didn’t think to myself, what am I doing with my life–but instead I thought, what if there is no God, and we are all just the Big California Raisin’s little bitches? That’s certainly how these little figures must feel. If they had feelings, which, uh, of course they don’t.
The California Raisin Pillow Person Vs. Actual Raisins:
God creates raisins. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates Pillow Person Raisin.
Pillow Person Raisin eats Man.
Woman inherits the earth.
The California Raisin Pillow Person Vs. The Refrigerator:
Now I’m going to stop being all philosophical about God and raisins, and I’m just gonna shove this thing in our refrigerator. Just to see how it looks. See how it’s taking up the entire bottom shelve? It’s that big. Other observations here include the fact that we seem to have a lot of butter, beer, and mystery items wrapped in foil.
The California Raisin Pillow Person Vs. The Kitchen Drawer:
OK. That was fun.
I looked around. Where was the raisin gonna go next?
Then my victim sauntered past..
The California Raisin Pillow Person Vs. Roommate’s Cat
“Hi there Cat, let me just see if I can climb in this basket here with you.”
This cat lets me do anything with it. It just doesn’t seem to mind being held upside down, swung side to side, or put in the mail basket with a giant Pillow Person next to it.
They tried to squeeze in together, but the Raisin was too big, and the basket too small for two. So the Raisin just sat on top, crushing the cat’s skeletal structure, which of course, the cat did not seem to mind. Because this cat minds nothing.
We had a cat growing up named Cuddles that was mean as a snake, and would claw at you just for looking at her. I’m used to cats like that. This one is a lamer.
The California Raisin Pillow Person Vs. The Front Window:
You ever look out the window and wonder what the hell your neighbors are doing?
This is what your neighbors are doing.
The California Raisin Pillow Person Vs. Widescreen TV:
I took this picture to really show off this thing’s wingspan, which is about 3 feet across. Amazing. If you feel the sky above you beginning to darken, make sure it’s not the California Raisin Pillow Person closing in on you.
If you recall, that’s also what happened in the series finale of Full House. I think the Beach Boys were in that one too.