The past few days I’ve been doing some investigative research on Slurpees, intending to turn a fine piece of journalism here on The Surfing Pizza for later tonight. Then I stopped and asked myself what in the hell was wrong with me. I had to save it for July 11, National Slurpee Day–or what may actually be World Slurpee Day, because the Canadians and Japanese are bonkers about ’em. Whatever the official title, it’s the day where you get a free Slurpee from 7-11.
The truth is, I’m aching for some hot summer days, and I’ve had Slurpees, sunshine, and Smirnoff Ices on my mind. I only included Smirnoff Ice to go with the alliteration. Really. Slurpees are a summer thing, and it just didn’t feel right writing about them in May–a chilled, gray, rainy May in Baltimore. I had to hack together something else. So instead of Slurpees, I’m just gonna give ya’ll the finger.
The ET Finger, that is.
The ET Finger Light, by Knickerbocker. Knickerbocker was a toy company from 1925-1983, sold to Hasbro. So the ET finger was one of this company’s last brainchilds.
I don’t know much about this company, except that Knickerbocker also produced this strange toy, “Eat You Up” Pac-Man:
I don’t even see Pac-Man in there. Perhaps it looks like Pac-Man from another angle. It’s all about perspective.
Here’s another perspective on the ET light:
Don’t you have fond childhood memories playing with the ET Finger Light? Yeah, me neither. Man, something’s off about this toy. I don’t need to make any creepy, immature jokes here. It looks like something you can explore your sexuality with.
I’ve sat here pondering this toy for awhile, and I don’t understand how this could be a fun toy to play with. What would you do? Recreate magical scenes of touching Elliot? Maybe you could try to heal wounds with it. Anything burns less than Bactine.
Another thing I notice about ET’s finger is that it’s pale and sickly, like in that scene when they find ET stiff and gray by the river. So it’s also dead ET’s finger that looks like something which is insertable. What a fun toy.
How it works is you just stick your finger up in there, and press a button to light it up. Except the little button is nearly impossible to reach. That’s because the ET finger is longer than even Robert Wadlow’s fingers, the tallest-ever man. Helpfully though, the back of the box suggests you can use a pair of safety scissors to cut the finger down to size. Custom ET Finger!
And to “insure more enjoyment”, do not leave light on for long periods of time. The battery is not replaceable, so once your wear it out, that’s it. One tip to prolong the light/enjoyment ratio is to only play with the ET Finger Light “intermittently”. Whew, even the language on the packaging is strange.
Alright, let’s have a look at another weird ET object–this one from Avon: A Pot Pal.
Even Avon got in on the merchandising crazy, with an ET Pot Pal. He’s porcelain and hand-painted, and he hangs on to the side of the pot and stares vacantly into the plant. The box explains that ET “has a magical love for plants and will tenderly watch over yours.” Hey, anything’s worth a shot the way that I kill plants.
Finally, here’s a special Swine Flu Edition of Weirdo ET Things:
ET says: wash your hands, cover your mouth when you cough, and stay home if you’re sick. No one wants your martyred self hacking in the office since you so bravely made it in. It’s either the flu or love. Could also be the after-effects of eating lunch at a place called “Fajita Coast”. The symptoms are the same.