I’m pretty excited to write this post. I found a toy so rare, it’s not on eBay; it’s not all over nostalgia blogs; it hasn’t been picked apart by nerds. In fact, there is no mention of it anywhere on the internet. It’s a SURFING PIZZA exclusive.
I found it at the flea market this weekend, where I found some other things first, like a Sponge Bob Bowling Ball for five bucks. After buying a Sponge Bob Bowling Ball, my day was awesome, and everything else would just be a bonus. I’ve always wanted my own bowling ball. Whenever I get a gutterball—which is every other frame—I blame the ball. The lousy, cruddy, bowling alley ball, weighted down by bowling alley cooties, pizza grease, and slime. Bowling alley slime is an epidemic.
But now I have my own Sponge Bob Bowling Ball. The weather was sunny, and life was excellent, sure to bowl strikes and pick up spares from now on. And the day was still getting better. Next I saw Dance Aerobics for the Nintendo Power Pad. I was about to pick it up, when suddenly this slimy teenager with a Robert Smith haircut swooped in and picked it up before me. I was in shock—that emo kid stole my copy of Dance Aerobics. No, wait, let me rephrase this. That emo bastard stole my copy of the dancing game I WANTED. I huffed away to catch up with the girlfriend who was a table ahead of me, trying to get through the flea market as quickly as possible. I started to complain, but was getting no sympathy. Then I realized I was upset about a twenty-five year old dancing game for girls and promptly stopped.
I pulled myself back together. There’s a million of them on eBay. The Lord giveth, The Lord taketh away. There was something better for me in the Lord’s gift bag that day. That’s what the flea market is: a big bag of presents from God—as well as some stuff stolen from the dollar store and people illegally selling meat. Yeah, one table had meat. Big hunks of it, wrapped in Saran Wrap, sitting in the sun. That’s gotta be illegal. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal.
One thing I’ve been collecting over the past couple months are vintage Super Soakers. Let’s pause for a moment to remember Super Soakers:
Super Soakers came out in 1990, forever changing the way we thought of the squirt gun. In fact, this was no squirt gun at all. It was a pressurized water cannon, in neon colors. When I mentioned I was thinking about writing about Super Soakers, the girlfriend said “you’ll have so much to write about,” as she recalled her own idyllic summer nights having water wars with all the neighborhood kids, hiding in trees and bushes, jumping out to soak the crap out of people. That’s when I realized I didn’t have any memories like this.
Like any warm-blooded kid, I had wanted one bad and I finally got one in ’92 or ’93. But by then I was too old, and I guess I liked the idea of having a Super Soaker more than I actually liked playing with it. By that time, I was 12 or 13, and had begun withdrawing into my own world—I spent more of my time reading books, doing computer stuff, and telepathically communicating with woodland creatures in the forest. Don’t judge. Some of my best friends are chipmunks.
So now that we’re all reacquainted with our Super Soaker memories, let’s go back the first thing I had started yammering about—the super rare, exclusive, toy from God that I found at the flea market this weekend. By now, I had long forgotten the tragic loss of Dance Aerobics. That’s when I saw it from a distance—what looked like an old Super Soaker, still in the original packaging.
As I got closer, I saw it was not a Super Soaker at all, but something else. Something I hadn’t heard of before. It was a Super Stinker.
A Pepperoni Pizza Super Stinker from Remco Toys, 1992. You squirt people to make them smell like a stinky pizza? What a cool, and stomach-turning idea! As soon as I got home, I turned on the computer to do some research and uncover the story behind this strange toy. But there was nothing to be found.
It was going to be up to me to tell the story. This is every blogger’s dream. For all the legions of people out there wondering about the Super Stinkers line of water guns, wonder no more. Hello, 1,000,000 Google Hits and fame.
Above everything, I had a burning question. What does 17 year old Pepperoni Pizza Smell smell like? I wanted to know. I needed to know. But that would mean taking the toy out of its packaging, which killed me a little bit. It had survived so long, unplayed with, the last of its kind. Still, as the leader of this expedition into the unknown world of Super Stinkers, I knew I had to do it.
It’s an obvious cash-in on the Super Soaker craze. The gun looks like a knockoff. Since there isn’t any recollection of this line of toys, I can only figure that this toy bombed hard. Kids probably already smell bad enough, and I guess parents didn’t want to make it any worse.
Here are two of the panels on the back. Overly-complex instructions and warnings–=the usual, don’t rub it in your eyes kids and that kinda thing. I like the Super Stinker. It doesn’t have the blinding power of a Super Soaker, but it’s sneaky. A direct hit wouldn’t soak your victim, but it would make them smell horrible, and that would be good enough for me.
I never was a fan of toys that needed refills, simply because you knew you’d never get them, or you knew you’d grow tired of the toy long before you ever needed the refill for it. The refill smells for the Super Stinker are awesome and disgusting though.
Just take a look at these options:
This is the best part of the whole thing. Smelly Zoo. What is it? Is it the giraffe house? Elephant pee? The hippos? I hope it was the hippos. Hippos have the worst smell. They’re also mean as hell.
What about Spicy Sour Pickles? It’s a step beyond plain old pickles, which would be bad enough. Super Stinkers did not mess around. It knew it wasn’t a big gun and had to over-compensate with really rancid smells.
Alright, it was time to take the toy out of the box, to venture into the heart of darkness, to peer into the bottle of Pepperoni Pizza and find out what was inside after 17 years.
There it is. Nothing dried up or crusty, just a mysterious powder. But whatever, at least one of these ingredients has to be dangerous. Like Fume Silicate, that’s gotta be bad. But the real question is, what did it smell like? Well, I mixed it with water first, to keep this scientific experiment as pure and controlled as possible.
It smelled pretty gross, like a musty solution of soap bubbles and pepper. It smelled kind of like a pizza scratch-n-sniff too. I was amazed that it still had a fragance at all, after 17 years. It wasn’t safety-sealed or anything.
To sum it up, I’d cry if I was squirted with this stuff.
Then again, I cried over losing Dance Aerobics.