My Lucky Charms Bailout

While at the grocery store this evening, I realized I couldn’t have another “ah, fuck it” morning and merrily skip over to Panera Bread for a warm, delicious bagel. The work week isn’t supposed to be warm and delicious. Work is cold, dry, boring. Work is cereal. I needed to buy more cereal.

I like to keep it as exciting as I can. I’m not into cereals with words like flakes, bran, or wheat in the title. In fact, if the box boasts 14 servings of fiber, I’m walking away. Too much potassium in that one, get too much riboflavin as it is. What I’m saying is that I want a big bowl of sweetened rice and gelatin in the morning. Whatever, it’s better for you than a Tastykake and a cup of coffee.

Now kids’ cereals don’t have nearly the insane amounts of sugar they once contained. A serving of your average kids’ cereal today only contains 11-15 g of sugar and 120-150 calories–that’s if you follow the serving size. If you’re like me, you’re probably pouring yourself two and a half servings. I think they make the bowls deceptively larger. Whatever, it’s better for you than a Croissanwich and a Coke.

Now like I said, I like to keep it exciting, so I switch up my brand week to week. This past week has been Coco Puffs Combos, which is a mixture of chocolate corn balls and vanilla corn balls. The vanilla mellows the flavor of the coco and makes you go less cuckoo, which is a good thing. Speaking of Combos, the un-chip, the Hot Pockets of snacking, they are now being marketed to the male demographic that buys Hungry Man frozen dinners and Slim Jims. The packaging reads something like “NOW ENTERING THE MAN ZONE” with construction signs. I don’t know how to feel about this.

Back to cereal. Generally I choose based on sale price, but also on what kind of toy comes inside. Cereal premiums are making a comeback. For instance, right now Froot Loops has a mini-Disney doll in its box, while Cookie Crisp is giving away a small Lego car. Each of these were enticing enough, but Lucky Charms was giving away something even bigger. Lucky Charms is giving away money.


Yup, as seen here, inside of a few boxes of Lucky Charms, you could find a Discover credit card pre-loaded with CASH. They are putting money in cereal boxes, hallelujah. The odds aren’t in your favor–they never are–1 in 713 has a $25 card, 1 in 136 has $10 cards, and 1 in 11 has 5 bucks. Sure, you say, 1 in 11 doesn’t sound too bad–but think of the other 10 times you open the box only to find “SORRY, THIS BOX IS NOT A WINNER. TRY AGAIN.” It’s utterly discouraging. How many times have I carefully, pristinely pulled back the wrapper of a candy bar so as not to rip the golden ticket, only to find that evil, bold-fonted message waiting for me inside.

Speaking of Willy Wonka, the original, it always irritated me how wackadoo Charlie got after losing the first two or three candy bars. Kid, don’t get all bent outta shape over it. And also, you look like a girl.

I don’t even like Lucky Charms, but I was in a gambling mood. I could be one of the lucky ones. I grabbed a box that “felt” right–like a winner. I dreamt big. I was going for the 25 smackeroons baby. As soon as I got home, before making dinner, I opened the Lucky Charms. And just look what I found!


Five measly bucks. It’s still better than a Lego car with the back two wheels jammed with cereal crumbs. Five guilt-free dollars. It’s not money I should have saved for something else, it’s free money. It’s my Lucky Charms Bailout. I’m going to feel like a loser (or perhaps, a winner) when I go to make a purchase not with my regular old Bank of America Visa, but with my Trix Rabbit Discover Card.

This is not at all what I had intended to post about today, but a big win like this pre-empted all Surfing Pizzas. I’ll accept your congratulations in the comments section. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be tasting the sweetness of VICTORY CHARMS. And then my boring, dry, cold workday will ensue.

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