THE SURFING PIZZA is a staunch supporter of women’s rights. Everyday, you can do little things to show your support in equality of women and for all human beings, such as letting her pick a seat in the booth first or letting her be Player One sometimes in video games, and by agreeing to go to one Rufus Wainwright concert per length of relationship. Power to all the people, or power to none.
There are a lot of stereotypes of who feminists are, what they look like, and how they might act. And today, THE SURFING PIZZA wants to dispel some of these myths. Goodbye to hoary old cliches of angry women in military boots. Goodbye to words like catty, bitchy, frustrated, and man-hating. Goodbye to images of old maids and old cat ladies. Goodbye to all that.
Everyone knows the best way to express your platform and politics is with buttons. Buttons elect presidents, progress civil rights, and change the courses of history. They also look really cool on your jacket. Triple points if it’s a jean jacket. Minus one point if the jean jacket was bought at Target.
Here are a few of THE SURFING PIZZA’s friends wearing a button and showing their support for women.
This is what a feminist looks like.
This is a fine Michaelangelo that came with my DVD purchase of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, that horrible one where they go to Japan. I would have never bought the movie with the free turtle. Okay, yes I would have. A trilogy is a trilogy. But yeah, the movie’s so bad, they had to give away a giant turtle to sell it. No wait, I’ve got it backwards. They were selling the giant turtle figure, and advertising the bad movie as the free bonus! Either way, you got two big pieces of crap for the price of one. I plunked my money down.
And here is Mr. Simpson, looking dapper in blue and proudly supporting women’s rights. I liked the way Bart was drawn early-on; he was rougher around the edges and kinda ugly. He scared parents. I remember we had friends whose parents didn’t let them watch the Simpsons because they didn’t approve of the way Bart talked to his parents. Don’t have a cow, man.
This crazy fucker is waiting for you in the alley at 3am to scurry past your feet. But did you know he’s also another rat for women’s rights? He’s so hardcore about women’s right to their own bodies, to equal pay, and to live freely without fear, that he pinned the button to his own paw. Don’t underestimate the crazed look in his eyes either. He claims to have come from the dumpster of a Party City the day after Halloween. He has the scars to prove it.
E.T. may wear boxing gloves, but his mother taught him right about never hitting girls. And guys, if you’re mean to a girl, E.T. will knock you the fuck out. He will pummel you until blood comes out of your ears and splashes back into your mouth.
E.T. will KILL YOU. And E.T. is another alien for women’s rights.
The Shoney’s Bear:
Oh boy, The Shoney’s Bear. THE SURFING PIZZA’s favorite joke. Another bear for women’s rights. Full equality at the breakfast buffet! Eggs for everyone!
And what is that you said, Shoney’s?
“I burned my bra too!”
Well that was silly and misguided. First off, there are no actual documentations of feminists ever burning their bras. That’s just another toxic image and cliche of feminism. Second off, you don’t even wear a bra to burn, you Shoney’s Bear.
Yes huh I do!
Um. Wow. That’s really, just. We should move on. And psst, your underwire is showing.
I’ll tell you what: the Shoney’s Bear has a big ass. Shoving him back into his blue overalls was a true challenge. Get your butt in there, you weirdo bra-wearing Shoney’s Bear. Hey, at least he matches. That’s classy.
Alright, now it’s time for me to introduce to a new friend to the blog. I found this guy today at the thrift store for .55 cents.
Introducing Imperial Kong:
Imperial is a toy maker that was prominent in the 70s and 80s. Although he sure looks like it, this guy was no dollar store bootleg. Another monkey for women’s rights.
Make that a smooth-ass monkey for women’s rights:
I’ll probably only say this once in my life, but it’s the ass that makes this toy special.