Sometimes I just feel like telling little stories. Like yesterday I saw a woman walking two dogs, a big yellow dog and little black one. I thought the three of them made a terrific trio. I also thought having one big dog and one little dog is cool.
Yesterday I also found a pack of expired Elvis Reese Cups. When Reese’s released the Elvis Peanut Butter and Banana Reese Cup in 2007, I thought I would lose all willpower and eat them with each meal. I like artificial banana flavor. I’m also a fan of Elvis and peanut butter. They were in fact disgusting, and so I ate them only twice. Well, two years later, the grocery store near me appears to have found a dented box in storage, because there are a few back on the shelves, slyly mixed in with the regular Reese’s. Sure, they’re expired now, but I gave them a third chance. They’re still bad.
Also yesterday, I was going through things on my desk in my office. I have a pen and paperclip organizer on my desk. Right now it’s organizing 8 pennies, 1 dime, 1 bent paperclip, 1 bottle of ibprofren, and a Benadryl “itch relief stick.” I should probably throw that out. I had that rash two years ago. The Elvis Reese Cups probably gave it to me. As for actual paperclips it’s supposed to organize? They’re scattered across my desk. I make shapes with them when I’m bored.
Cool. I think that’s enough little stories. Now let’s do some show and tell.
1) Cheap Cameroon Art
I have no clue about this guy’s origins. He belonged to my grandfather, who was in the Army. Maybe he’s really from Africa. I call him the cheap art from Cameroon. He could be from a flea market in West Virginia. His shield could be made from tanned hide in the hot African sun, or it could be glued bird feathers. He could be my nest egg once I get him appraised on the Antiques Roadshow, or he could be the hideous heirloom from Cameroon that we keep in the closet.
2) Decapitated Head of Justin Timberlake in Spuds MacKenzie Birthday Glass
Is it modern art? Um, why yes, yes it is. The head of Justin is from a N’Sync bobblehead that was an exclusive to Best Buy when you bought their album. I did not buy the album, I found this doll at a flea market. One day I dropped him, and to my part-devastation and part-amusement, his head severed. The Spuds MacKenzie Birthday Glass is a celebration of the Greatest Beer Advertising Campaign of All Time. I said it. The doggy promoted beer to children! Screw this Hi-C; I WANT WHAT THE DOGGY’S DRINKING!
One morning as a child, I did actually get a taste of what the doggy drank, when my parents stored the remainder of a keg in a pitcher we normally used for juice. I woke up groggy from my own hangover of cookout hot dogs, and stumbled to the fridge for a tall glass of apple juice. It was Bud Light. Left-over-keg Bud Light. It was shocking, both as my first ever taste of beer, and that I expected apple juice. I spit it everywhere, like they do in cartoons. It was not so much the taste, but that I was afraid of getting in trouble for ingesting even a single drop.
3) Bart Simpson Basketball
This is one of my favorite stories. I won this ball at a carnival. An eight year old was running the game. 1 shot in the hoop and you win. Now I’m a pro at carnival basketball. I missed. DAMN IT, I cursed, probably scaring the 8 year old, who then graciously gave me another shot, for free. Yeah, that’s right kid, I’m a lot bigger than you, and you’re gonna give me another ball. I bit my lip. It was clearly the most important moment of my week. I shot. AND….IT’S GOOD!! The cheerleaders inside my head leaped up and cheered.
It was time for the pro to pick a prize. I knew which one immediately–that Bart Simpson ball. It had two of my favorite things on it: The Simpsons and Video Games! But it sat way up on the top shelf, and the 8 year old couldn’t reach. CHRIST, don’t they have any adults running this thing? I sort of stood there helplessly, considering the other balls. Hannah Montana. Some Wrestling Crap. Kung Fu Pandas. I shuffled my feet. The girlfriend could tell I really wanted the Bart Playing Video Games Ball, and That Ball Only, so she climbed onto the trailer, doing some ballerina tippy-toe reach, and got the ball for me! The 8 year old looked on nervously, praying he wouldn’t get in trouble for letting the hoodlums climb the game.
4) The Greatest Dollar Store Find of All Time
Before you write them off as McDonald’s magnets, notice that those are CHRISTMAS CHICKEN MCNUGGET MAGNETS. Yes, I believe I am completely justified in using bold and caps. A Grimace magnet is pretty standard, as would be a Ron McDon, and even a Hamburglar. But the McNuggets never really caught on as characters, perhaps because they are balls of mechanically-separated meat. In fact, not since that glorious Happy Meal toy of dress-up McNuggets in the 80s, have I seen a personification of Chicken Nuggets. That they are wearing Christmas costumes makes them truly special. Have a closer look:
A piece of meat in a scarf, and a piece of meat in a beard. But oh ho ho people, we have another adjective coming. Not only are they 1) Christmas 2) Chicken 3) McNugget Magnets, they are also BOOTLEG CHRISTMAS CHICKEN MCNUGGET MAGNETS. And that is how I declared them the Greatest Dollar Store Find of All Time.
Look at this crap:
Yep, it says registrated trademarlcs. Do the plastics factories in China churn out the craziest shit or what?
5) Snuggle Bear Inflatable Chair
The product Snuggle has long hawked is of course, an over-priced fabric softner, advertised to make your clothing snuggly and cuddly. It’s all seemingly innocent–a cute, saccharine mascot, a chemical-based product. But long since you were a child, you’ve suspected something is off. You’ve suspected the Snuggle Bear is evil.
It’s all here–the unnatural movements, the gaping smile, the vacant marble eyes, the chirpy voice. You’ve been afraid to go in the basement, to wash your clothes, where the Snuggle Bear is lays in wait behind the washer. To smother you with a super-soft shirt soaked in chloroform and fabric-softener, a noxious and fatal combination.
Everyone knows that when stuffed animals come to life, their intentions are not kind. They will not hug you and cuddle you and call you George. Their intentions are to strangle you, or swirl around your head. See: Poltergeist, Carol Anne’s toys.
The Snuggle Bear isn’t just evil though. The Snuggle Bear is Lucifer himself. Satan. The Devil. Look at the evidence: the fluid, human-like movement — signs of demon possession. The cuddly appeal to children, like all tools of the Devil (cigarettes, drugs, Smirnoff Ice). The effeminate, androgynous voice, like that of the Serpent in the Garden of Good and Evil.
Well, that’s all I got for show and tell. Join me next time for more crap. Of course. It’s the PIZZA. Your source for crap.