ET Punches Others Before They Start Eating

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I found this ET punching puppet a few months ago, and have been waiting for the right moment to give him the spotlight. I actually have a couple of oddball ET toys and thought about an “ET toys” post–but this ET punching puppet has a spirit all his own, demanding a post all to himself.

No surprise here, this is not a licensed ET Punching Puppet–then again, there are no licensed punching puppets. Punching puppets are a strange breed of bootleg toys–they are usually carefully crafted and well made. ET’s blue smock was lovingly hand-knitted in Taiwan. You’d think they woulda knitted him a brown shirt, but looking at it, blue’s his color–I think.

So let’s see–my day was work, bookended by my long commute each way. At work I did some shit. Then I got home, changed and went to the gym. I huffed and puffed my ass around the track a few times, rode a bike for 3 miles while never leaving the room, and pretended to lift weights. On the way back, I stopped at the grocery store, and put on dinner when I got home. Then I arranged some dolls and snacks on the kitchen table and took some pictures of ET punching them.

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Here, ET suckerpunches the Shoney’s Bear as he’s about to eat some Combos. ET’s an asshole. Seriously, it’s so mean to mess with someone’s Combos. One day I was really excited because I brought home Bacon, Egg & Cheese flavored Combos that I found at 7-11. The girlfriend wouldn’t even try just one. “But it really tastes just like a Snausages dog treat, you gotta try it,” I begged. No way, she said. I threatened her with a plastic knife. She still refused. Then she said the most sacreligious thing ever uttered–“Combos are the Hot Pockets of Snack Foods.” Anyway, the Shoney’s Bear loves Combos and was looking really forward to eating them before ET ruined it.

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Uncool dude–ET takes out a baby seal as he was about to feast on an Ellio’s Pepperoni Pizza. Now, there are two types of people in the world–those who haven’t eaten an Ellio’s in fifteen years, and those who eat them regularly. Count me in the latter. Ellio’s isn’t just some crappy rectangular frozen pizza–it’s actually scientifically measured to fit into a toaster oven. The other magic of Ellio’s is that it replicates the flavor and texture of school cafeteria pizza, but it does so with 100% real cheese. And here the baby seal was just getting ready to savor an Ellio’s when BAM, ET screws it up.

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Bart’s getting ready to eat some Peeps when ET swarms in. Back when I was a kid, there was one shape of Peep in one color only–I’m a Peep purist and the yellow chicks are the only true Peeps. Just saying. I know you all have been wondering, so I’ve just gonna put it out there–I like the Peeps stale. Peep Purist.

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Here’s ET plowing into Jabba and his moutain of Oreos. At this point, my roommate wandered downstairs, lured out by the aroma of the Ellio’s pizza. She said nothing about 1 foot stack of Oreos, the random dolls scattered on the kitchen table, or the fact that I was taking photos of an ET punching puppet. That’s just what it’s like living with THE SURFING PIZZA. Then she began discussing the drunken plot of a Steinbeck novel.

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I’ve saved the Battle Royal for last. Eggbert, the Easter Egg Hunter steps into the ring. Look at how freaking PSYCHOTIC ET looks next to that stupid chocolate Eggbert. Eggbert’s got his little yellow backpack; he’s got some dyed eggs; he’s hopping, yes indeed and he’s bopping, yes indeed. Meanwhile, ET looks like he strangled a just-born puppy.

I filmed a short clip of the Battle Royal, ET vs Eggbert:

To be honest with you, the whole thing turned out much less spectacular than what I had in my mind. I imagined a punching puppet, a dumb chocolate bunny, a 1 foot stack of Oreos — it would look MINDBLOWING as a video. It was The Battle Royal, damn it.

I felt, and still feel a little disheartened about the end result. It’s really just 10 seconds of me punching over a piece of chocolate. And when I thought of it that way, I felt like cutting myself with a rusty hatchet.

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I just wanted to make Eggbert go away. So I put him up on the “communal-food and courteous-but-evil notes whiteboard.” You’ll see someone has sunnily offered carrots. And then I generously put up some four day old bagels. And Eggbert. Please roommates, eat Eggbert. Now.

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22 responses to “ET Punches Others Before They Start Eating

  1. Life with the surfing pizza is never dull.
    Shoney’s deserves it.

  2. SHONEY’S! Ten years ago, some friends and I piled into the car at 6am (during a blizzard no less) to take a 3 hour road trip for the sole purpose of the Shoney’s breakfast buffet. When we got there, we discovered that this particular branch had closed down one week earlier.

    Never been so hungry and disappointed. Ever see a 90 pound girl eat TWO Denny’s Grand Slam breakfasts? It happened that day.

    • ah, roadtrip-for-breakfast-at shitty-restaurant stories! mine is 90 minutes to a waffle house. the first waffle house off the interstate was closed, but there’s always another waffle house. you know, I don’t think I’ve ever had one gland slam in a single day. did you line up to get that free one they gave away earlier this month?

  3. As a kid, someone gave me a gift which I thought to be a wacky knockoff but it turned out to be a classic and fun toy. It was like your boxing ET …but it was Sylvester Stallone! Completely weird but I’ll never forget it. Fun post…Boxing ET rocks.

  4. You have a Shoney bear ?!

  5. ET punching puppet VERSUS a Nun punching puppet – who would win?

    Maybe ET would have had better luck boxing with a solid REAL chocolate bunny? Eggbert is just a hollow concoction of cocoa and vegetable oil. Cute, but not worth eating.

    Speaking of candy, I recently purchased a package of sugar-free yellow chick Peeps for my daughter. They suck. Guess we’ll just have to go back to risking diabetic coma.

    Do you have the ET light-up finger? My family had so much fun with that one Christmas. The poor kid who received the toy hardly got to play with it. Stupid adults.

    All the best – Kim

  6. oh and don’t worry — that diabetic coma is many, many years down the line

    • Unfortunately, diabetic coma is an all too real possibility for my daughter. Type I diabetes sucks as bad as the sugar-free Peeps.

      Oh, they’re also selling Peep chicks in a pleasing Creamsicle shade of orange and a minty green color this year. I’m like you – I want my Peep chicks in that cheery yellow. However, Santa put a package of JOY Peeps in my stocking this past Christmas that weren’t half bad. Yep, little cream colored letters with glittery yellow flecks that spelled out the word “joy.” Now all Just Born, Inc. has to do is put out HAPPY Peeps. Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!

  7. Bacon, Egg and Cheese Combos? I am jealous beyond words. Man, I love your blog!

  8. I was wondering if you knew what the ET Punching Toy was worth? I have one, and my grandmother had got it when I was still a kid. The movie came out in 82, and I was born in 79, so it wasn’t too much longer after the movie came out that I got it. Anyway, I’ve never seen it or anything else of it’s kind in any store, just the internet. But each time, there is no mention on worth. Any ideas?

  9. I discovered this article recently, and those Combos have been on my mind ever since. I went to a dollar store and found some there, but they were the unpopular flavors like tortilla salsa or jalepeno salsa. I wouldn’t mind having a bag of the pretzel and cheese, though…

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