I found this ET punching puppet a few months ago, and have been waiting for the right moment to give him the spotlight. I actually have a couple of oddball ET toys and thought about an “ET toys” post–but this ET punching puppet has a spirit all his own, demanding a post all to himself.
No surprise here, this is not a licensed ET Punching Puppet–then again, there are no licensed punching puppets. Punching puppets are a strange breed of bootleg toys–they are usually carefully crafted and well made. ET’s blue smock was lovingly hand-knitted in Taiwan. You’d think they woulda knitted him a brown shirt, but looking at it, blue’s his color–I think.
So let’s see–my day was work, bookended by my long commute each way. At work I did some shit. Then I got home, changed and went to the gym. I huffed and puffed my ass around the track a few times, rode a bike for 3 miles while never leaving the room, and pretended to lift weights. On the way back, I stopped at the grocery store, and put on dinner when I got home. Then I arranged some dolls and snacks on the kitchen table and took some pictures of ET punching them.
Here, ET suckerpunches the Shoney’s Bear as he’s about to eat some Combos. ET’s an asshole. Seriously, it’s so mean to mess with someone’s Combos. One day I was really excited because I brought home Bacon, Egg & Cheese flavored Combos that I found at 7-11. The girlfriend wouldn’t even try just one. “But it really tastes just like a Snausages dog treat, you gotta try it,” I begged. No way, she said. I threatened her with a plastic knife. She still refused. Then she said the most sacreligious thing ever uttered–“Combos are the Hot Pockets of Snack Foods.” Anyway, the Shoney’s Bear loves Combos and was looking really forward to eating them before ET ruined it.
Uncool dude–ET takes out a baby seal as he was about to feast on an Ellio’s Pepperoni Pizza. Now, there are two types of people in the world–those who haven’t eaten an Ellio’s in fifteen years, and those who eat them regularly. Count me in the latter. Ellio’s isn’t just some crappy rectangular frozen pizza–it’s actually scientifically measured to fit into a toaster oven. The other magic of Ellio’s is that it replicates the flavor and texture of school cafeteria pizza, but it does so with 100% real cheese. And here the baby seal was just getting ready to savor an Ellio’s when BAM, ET screws it up.
Bart’s getting ready to eat some Peeps when ET swarms in. Back when I was a kid, there was one shape of Peep in one color only–I’m a Peep purist and the yellow chicks are the only true Peeps. Just saying. I know you all have been wondering, so I’ve just gonna put it out there–I like the Peeps stale. Peep Purist.
Here’s ET plowing into Jabba and his moutain of Oreos. At this point, my roommate wandered downstairs, lured out by the aroma of the Ellio’s pizza. She said nothing about 1 foot stack of Oreos, the random dolls scattered on the kitchen table, or the fact that I was taking photos of an ET punching puppet. That’s just what it’s like living with THE SURFING PIZZA. Then she began discussing the drunken plot of a Steinbeck novel.
I’ve saved the Battle Royal for last. Eggbert, the Easter Egg Hunter steps into the ring. Look at how freaking PSYCHOTIC ET looks next to that stupid chocolate Eggbert. Eggbert’s got his little yellow backpack; he’s got some dyed eggs; he’s hopping, yes indeed and he’s bopping, yes indeed. Meanwhile, ET looks like he strangled a just-born puppy.
I filmed a short clip of the Battle Royal, ET vs Eggbert:
To be honest with you, the whole thing turned out much less spectacular than what I had in my mind. I imagined a punching puppet, a dumb chocolate bunny, a 1 foot stack of Oreos — it would look MINDBLOWING as a video. It was The Battle Royal, damn it.
I felt, and still feel a little disheartened about the end result. It’s really just 10 seconds of me punching over a piece of chocolate. And when I thought of it that way, I felt like cutting myself with a rusty hatchet.
I just wanted to make Eggbert go away. So I put him up on the “communal-food and courteous-but-evil notes whiteboard.” You’ll see someone has sunnily offered carrots. And then I generously put up some four day old bagels. And Eggbert. Please roommates, eat Eggbert. Now.