In my age group, I was a late adopter of cell phones. I didn’t have one until I was 22. This was 2002-03. This is even before MySpace. If I wanted to hang out with someone, I actually spoke to them face to face to make plans. It wasn’t the complete dark ages; we had AOL Instant Messenger and Yahoo email, but talking to someone in person was still normal. And if I needed to make a call while on the road, I had to stop at a payphone in a shopping center. Now the thought of using a payphone seems Third World.
It was around the same time that not having a cell phone was beginning to become a social handicap. People were doing this thing called texting, and it was sort of like virtual Instant Messenger. The technology had improved and newer model phones were even smaller, sleeker-looking, and could display pictures on the screens. I got one of the first phones with a color screen, a Sony Ericsson. I was bad ass. I showed everyone my color screen to oohs and aahs.
This was back when cell phones actually came with games stored on them. The games were advertised to sweeten the deal. COMES WITH SPACE FIGHTERS. It was a Space Invaders-type game that had addictive gameplay. I actually beat it. I beat a game on a cell phone. What a loser I was. But I can one-up that. You know the feature on old cell phones where you can program your own ring tone? I did that. I went online and looked up the code, then I painstakingly pushed 539 buttons on my phone so it played a shrill MIDI resemblance of a song. This is all embarrassing enough, but even worse was my song choice. I programmed Clocks by Coldplay into my Sony Ericsson with a color screen. I know. Shoot me. Shoot me.
You have embarrassing cell phone stories too. Maybe you were an early adopter of the cell phone camera, a small .01 megapixel external camera that plugged into your phone. Maybe you had one of those hard shell Tweety Bird covers on your phone. Maybe you had a Coldplay midi tone that you programmed yourself. We were coming of age with a new technology. What did we know? What did we know?
What all this cell phone reminiscing brings me to is my cell phone pictures. I take cell phone pictures of little things that I’d never waste a real picture on. It’s like finding a knick knack on the street and picking it up. Or stacking sugar packets like a house of cards. Or drawing a face in condensation. It’s something that you normally wouldn’t find amusing, but right then and there, you do. I take pictures of those types of things which amuse me for a moment, and then forget.
I thought I would share some of these blurry, non-sequitor images in hopes of becoming an art world sensation. If not, I hope they amuse you for the 1 second they amused me.
An Indian Diorama:
This was one of the displays in the science fair aisle at Michael’s. I like dioramas, and this one is Smithsonian-level quality.
A good looking cupcake:
I thought this cupcake at Starbucks looked exceptionally tasty. It was a gourmet cupcake, not just one of those pink-frosted low-rent cupcakes you find at the grocery store. It was dolloped with care and just baked that day. Maybe. At least, at a buck eighty five, it damn well ought to be.
One thing I like to do is take a picture of my beer if it is a really good beer. The first beer is at a German beer fest, where they had over 100 German beers on tap. I didn’t know what any of them were so I just pointed to one and ordered it. Whatever that beer was in the picture, it was a damn good one. A good point job, I did.
The second picture is the best beer of my life. It was a simple Blue Moon in a plastic cup, but it was after a long day at the beach. It was a late-August night and Blue Moon was so right.
A big salad:
I made this salad myself, at the salad bar, and I just thought I did a really good job. I had a perfect mixture of greens and color in there, balanced on either end by an egg. This salad could have been in a magazine. It could have modeled. But I ate it.
Ninja Turtles Ride:
This is one of those coin-operated rides that drones back and forth. I found it in a mall. It’s the turtle van, with the four glazed turtles standing around it, hugging and smiling.
Wall of Masks:
This is of course the centerpiece of the Halloween store, the wall of masks. I often dream of picking one out, but these behind-the-counter masks are always out of my price range, which is around 5 dollars. These are usually too silly gory anyway, like a latex leaking brain grandma head or a decapitated pig head.
Best Souvenir Ever:
Found this at a junk store at the beach–a magnet of shark coming out of a toilet! I always suspected things could come out of toilets. Like Ghoulies, for one.
I found these Hawaiian shirt beer cozies at the Dollar Tree. I stood in the store for 20 minutes going through every cozy, trying to find the best designs. When I tried them out, I noticed that they made my beers look like an older gay male couple vacationing together. Here they are vacationing in front of my toaster. I like to imagine that they have an entire slide show of snapshots that they show their friends. In front of the coffee maker…on the oven…with the potholders…
What a stupid looking haircut this cat has. That rat-like tail wrapped around itself makes me shudder everytime I see this. I would feel bad for this cat, but I hate cats, and therefore secretly take pleasure in his obvious disdain.
That’s all I have for now.