Let’s face it–making a coupon book for your loved ones filled with favors you’ll never actually do is a terrible Christmas gift. And the way you cook, that Good For a Candlelit Dinner for Two is not a coupon they’ll be rushing to redeem. Wandering the malls never does much good either. You’ll just find yourself helplessly in Brookstone, wondering if Dad would like that heating-talking-clock-radio-thermometer-iPod docking-toaster. So what the hell do you give these people? How do you best tell them you love them by forking over your cash for some crap? Which crap to buy for these weirdos in your life? Well well, THE SURFING PIZZA has handpicked a variety of sure-to-please gifts for all kinds of weirdos on your list.
1) For the Pragmatic Weirdo: Six Foot Rubber Band, $5.50
The website suggests you could use it for giant slingshots, exercise, and my favorite, strengthening trust. Just imagine two of you stretching it out and then promising not to let it snap. The rubber band burn you could get from this sweet bitch would leave a sure mark. I promise not to let go. Just like at the end of Titanic. (Then she drops his dead ass in the ocean.)
What about exercise? Hmmm THE PIZZA don’t exercise much, so I dunno.
Big Ass Slingshots? A-W-E-S-O-M-E.
Museum of Useful Things
2) For the “Couple-y” Weirdos: Heart Egg Shaper, $5.95
We all have that couple in our lives. The ones that are rarely seen in public individually, so in love that it’s sickenly saccharine–the ones that would actually cook each other heart-shaped lumps of cholesterol. When you’re eating the hangover breakfast at IHOP on Sunday mornings and thinking of W-A-T-E-R, they’ll be frying up eggs and thinking of you.
3) For the Star Wars Weirdo: R2D2 Fish Tank, $79.99
It’s awesome. No, it’s fucking awesome.
4) For Classic Gift Weirdo: Brain Jello Mold, $9.99
Someone on your list will appreciate a Jello mold in the shape of a brain. What more can I say? This is a classy brain mold from Better Homes and Garden. Good for Halloween, Zombie Parties, and Baby’s First Birthday.
Better Homes and Garden
5) For Dog Lover Weirdo: Monthly Doos Calendar, $9.99
These people think everything their dog does is story-worthy. Daisy chased her tail. Daisy barked at Daddy. Daisy shit in the curtains. They think everything about their dog is golden. Now, they’ll get a fresh doo each month. Some artsy-fartsy photos here. No pun intended.
6) For Toy Collector Weirdo: The Birds Barbie, $50.00
What I always wanted. To see Barbie viciously attacked by psycho birds. And yet her smile and make-up remain flawless. She don’t sweat. She barely flails, see? Any toy collector in your life will see the beauty in this piece. Or just get it for your 8 year old niece. Scare the crap out of her this Christmas.
7) For Book Readin’ Weirdo: Crap Vacations, $9.56
This would make an awesome beach read. Crap Vacations. So you checked into your room. The “ocean view” is more like if you squint sideways while extending your neck beyond comfort levels, and the bed feels like a brick casket, and fuck it’s raining, but it could be much, much worse. Crap Vacations is about what THE SURFING PIZZA does best: complaining.
8) For Homebody Weirdo: Venus Flytrap, $8.98
Two words. Carnivorous plant.
Things You Never Knew