Tonight, I wanted to talk about stocking stuffers, and how it’s done right. Stockings are like, the appetizers of Christmas morning. Every member of the family should have a personalized or special one, even the dog. I come from the school that stocking stuffers should be each wrapped up, even if it’s just a 3-Pak of Tic Tacs. A stocking stuffer should be a small gift, $1-$5 dollars. And sometimes you sneak a “real” gift in there, like gold earrings, or a gift card–that way, it’s a fun surprise.
For me as a kid, good stocking stuffers were industrial-sized bouncy balls, a toe-full of Hersey kisses, some Bubbalicious, a $20 dollar bill, and a tube of cherry Chapstick. Little toys were always welcome, as well as tin-foil wrapped chocolate Santas for me to consume for breakfast the next morning. As an adult, good stocking stuffers are all of the things above, plus scratch-offs, a mini bottle of liquor, and especially, that industrial sized bouncy ball.
I’m sure everyone has different traditions and ideas of what constitutes a stocking stuffer. My grandmother used to always brag about getting an apple and an orange in her stocking when she was a little girl. That also functioned as the actual Christmas gift. I used to hear that and thank God I lived in the world after they invented color TV.
So you’ll notice Raph up there on that ratty stocking. Here’s to you, dude. Found that gem at a flea market over the summer for 2 quarters. Anyhow, I have a couple of stocking stuffers here to highlight, and my Raph stocking seemed appropiate for the cause.
First, I have this genius artic friend,
Mr. Poo-lar Bear, the sub zero poopin’ hero! Oh, he’s my hero alright! So many lovely plays on words right there on that fine packaging. You put the jellybeans in his ass, then he’s a carry along pal until you have a hankering. Push down on his hindlegs, and out shits a brown jellybean, in butterscotch or root beer flavor. And the jellybeans ain’t bad neither. So damn genius. A million bouncy balls to the inventor of this.
Look at his face. Look at how focused he is. The Poo-lar Bear is serious about pooping.
We took some artistic shots of the Poo-lar Bear with some bug-eyed M&M dudes. The first shot was mine, the 2nd is the girlfriend’s. Then she yelled at me for making her take 27 shots of the Poo-lar Bear (oh yes, there are lost photographs), and muttered again to herself how lucky she is to be dating me. Hey, at least she got free M&M’s out of it:
I love these bug-eyed Red and Green guys. As you can see, they are filled with mini-M&M’s. I just love their faces. M&Ms are a standard-issue stocking stuffer, and they come in a variety of containers — from candy-cane-shaped tubes, to plastic ball ornaments, to vintage-looking tins for Grandpa.
These guys are perfect because they double as toys. Stocking stuffer doubler. Also, a nice touch that their laces match their outer shells. Now, imagine the fun you can have with those faces. Here I had them gawking at the steaming pile of jellybeans, but they could be gawking at the gifts under the tree, or a naked Barbie doll. The possibilities are endless. Bouncy Balls to M&M’s.
Finally, a classic: The “Book” of generic Lifesavers.
These are a classic for me. Seems I got a book of these every year in my stocking. And they lasted until the next year. Long a staple of the dollar store’s holiday shelves, here is an unmanageable amount of fruit flavored royal rolls:
Everyone is fascinated. Royal Rolls. What the fuck are those? Okay, maybe the green one’s a little excited.