The Holiday Basket of Thrift Horrors

Robert Ripley traveled the world over in search of the bizarre, the questionable, the unbelievable. I aspire to be the Ripley of holiday artifacts. I wanted to find the bizarre, the questionable, the worst of Christmas trinkets. In other words, I was looking for my specialty–crap. In my travels for Christmas crap, I wanted to challenge myself. The thrift store shelves are lined with so much shit–magnetic ice skaking figurines, natvity scenes missing Joseph, and the dancing Santas that your grandmother thinks are a gas. I didn’t want to find stuff that was simply dumb; I wanted to find crap that one could truly call asinine.

Well I believe the gods smiled on me. I wanted to share with you my favorites in what I call the holiday basket of horrors. This is a basket you could really disappoint someone with. Afterall, that’s the true meaning of Christmas–giving someone a gift that makes them say, you shouldn’t have.

1 – THE BASKET

The basket has a growth on the side. It might be malignant.

I chose this basket because I thought it was sinfully ugly. Scratchy ribbons, a felt poinsetta, berries, gold-painted wicker, these things alone are the definition of ugly basket. I didn’t even notice until I got home that this basket has another awful surprise–there’s a frog sitting on a star, wearing a Santa hat, eating a candy cane. A frog! How did I not notice him before?

Insult to Meaning of Christmas (10 possible points): 3
Stupid Factor (10 possible points): 7
Ugliness: (10 possible points): 10

Overall Crappiness: (out of 30 possible points:) 20

2 – GUESS WHAT SANTA’S HIDING IN MY MUG

This is a small ceramic mug, a good size for a little kid drinking hot chocolate. At a glance, it’s unassuming and looks like a cute Christmas mug. There’s a rocking horse, a toy car, a Santa, some blocks, a soccer ball, a bear.

But then there’s that odd exclamation amongst the toys, guess what Santa’s hiding in my mug. What is Santa hiding in the mug, you wonder. Does Santa even hide things in mugs? He puts things in stockings and under the tree, but I don’t believe he puts things in mugs. That could be a lawsuit.

But Santa has in fact put something in this mug, and I don’t know what it is.

There is a yellow ceramic piece of shit hunkered in there. It’s a part of the mug. It’s supposed to be the toy car, I guess, “hiding” inside the mug. But why? I have sat here pondering this mug for weeks. Why is that in there? My only conclusion is that the mug, made in Japan, is evidence of the Japanese fundamentally misunderstanding where Santa hides gifts. Or as someone else wonderfully pointed out, it’s an ambulance in that mug …”which you’ll need to call since that ambulance in the mug was glazed with iron based glaze!”

Insult to Meaning of Christmas (10 possible points): 9
Stupid Factor (10 possible points): 10
Ugliness: (10 possible points): 3

Overall Crappiness: (out of 30 possible points:) 22

3 – SANTA POOP CANDLES

This is just a candy-cane-swirled mess. I was thinking these are supposed to be candy-caned-replicas of trees, but maybe not. It’s just a pile of striped shit. I was trying to decide whether I liked Candy Cane Shits or Santa Poops better. What do you think? These are also spackled in glitter. As we all know, nothing says festive like glitter.

Insult to Meaning of Christmas (10 possible points): 3
Stupid Factor (10 possible points): 10
Ugliness: (10 possible points): 10

Overall Crappiness: (out of 30 possible points:) 23

4 – SANTA CLAUS BAND

I have to admit–when I first saw the box, my heart leaped. You see, on the one side of the box there is a picture of a Santa Claus Violinist.

So I was only a little disappointed when it turned out this box contained the Drumming Santa Claus instead. The violinist would have made a great ice breaker. I can see it now…

Oh what’s that you have there?
[responding nonchalantly] Oh just a Santa Claus playing a violin.

There is also a Cymballing Santa Claus. Because I’m a writer, I was pleased to see the noun “cymbal” can also function as the present participle, cymballing. Not playing the cymbals, but cymballing. It’s poetic, ain’t it? But that’s not all–this nightmarish little guy has many other present particlple features, such as Walking, Nodding, and Drumming with Pon Pong Sound. Pon Pong is not a typo.

These three Santas make up what the box calls the Santa Claus Band. I found the least interesting one, the Ringo of the group. Of course, I wanted to see him in action, so I took the batteries out of the remote control and put them into Ringo Claus. All I got was a disheartening grinding noise. What a piece of shit. DRUM, you stupid crap!

(As you can tell from video quality, THE SURFING PIZZA needs a digital video recorder for Christmas.)

Insult to Meaning of Christmas (10 possible points): 10
Stupid Factor (10 possible points): 10
Ugliness: (10 possible points): 7

Overall Crappiness: (out of 30 possible points:) 27

5 – TROLL TREE ORNAMENTS AND GIFT TRIMS

Naked Trolls. In Santa Hats. On Your Tree. And Gift Trims.

(Typing Like This. Provides A False Sense. Of Melodrama.)

Oh, Trolls. The bane
of my
existence.

Insult to Meaning of Christmas (10 possible points): 10
Stupid Factor (10 possible points): 10
Ugliness: (10 possible points): 10

Overall Crappiness: (out of 30 possible points:) 30

6 – ZEN SANTA THING

It’s Santa, sitting in a meditative pose, balancing three reindeer on his neck. Now I get that this isn’t supposed to be a realistic representation of Santa Claus. So nevermind that the weight of three reindeer would crush Santa’s neck, paralyzing him and forcing Mrs. Claus to become his caretaker, spoon feeding him soft foods. And nevermind that all three reindeer have red noses, making them all Rudolphs. Hell, nevermind the sheer absurdity of it all. Just know this — this thing is a Zen Koan in ceramic form.

Look, reindeer butt! Oh God, it gives me the heebie jeebies.

Insult to Meaning of Christmas (10 possible points): 10
Stupid Factor (10 possible points): 10
Ugliness: (10 possible points): 10

Overall Crappiness: (out of 30 possible points:) 30

Today is Black Friday. Despite the shameful Christmas displays retailers began putting out the week before Halloween, today is the true beginning of the season. Whew. Come back and spend XMAS with THE PIZZA. I have a lot of special crap to pay tribute to in the upcoming weeks.

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4 responses to “The Holiday Basket of Thrift Horrors

  1. I think I like Santa Poops better.

  2. Damn, you really hit the jackpot with this one didn’t you? lol. Man o man. I can hardly believe junk of this nature 1) actually exists and 2) is actually sold in stores!

    The Frog with the candy cane seems like he’s one step away from smoking a cigarette after some freaky frog sex.

    I must admit though…those candles are actually kinda of cool lol. It would be “awesomer” if they smelled like candy canes or something. I need something to kill the odor wafting up from the folks who live in the condo underneath me.

    “No…You really shouldn’t have!”
    Great Post…I’m digging it. I think you may have the monopoly on the holiday themed blog posts!

    The “cymballing” Santa just blows my mind.

  3. ok you may think im stupid but where did you find that mug?!?!?! i need it i had one with a rocking horse and one with a soccer ball when i was growing up!!!!!!!

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