Tribute to Hooters


Hooters, I haved loved you. You are unashamed, your faux-70s rec room paneling, your orange neon lighting, your witty wet nap sayings. You are self-aware, “still winging it” and “delightfully tacky” after all these years. You are funny too, your $200 Gourmet Chicken Wing Dinner with the same stick-thin wings, except for the accompanying bottle of Dom Perignon champagne. What charm, for God’s sake, you are a restaurant named after …. owls.

The only thing that could make you more perfect is to have the Hooters Girls feather their hair, Bon Jovi style, but that might be my fantasy, not yours. Turn up that Warrant song!

Hooters, I want to smile knowingly and say, “I go there for the food” just as one might say when speaking of Playboy, “I read it for the articles”. Everyone knows the subcontext. But with Hooters, there is no subcontext. You do go there for the food. Or you go for the fake-nice banter from half-interested waitresses, but you could get that from the ladies at Denny’s, except these half-interested waitresses have large … owls.

Hooters, you tease. You alude to the lurid, but here there are no impromptu Cuervo body shots or wet tees. Hooters is a family restaurant where the waitresses dress less provocatively than the teenagers at the mall. Here you’ll find the waitresses fawning not over you, but the 3-year-old in booth #15.

Hooters, now about that food. I’m a vegetarian so I can’t judge about 98% of your menu, however you do serve a pretty good grilled cheese. The curly fries are serviceable. I do wish it came out hot instead of lukewarm. It’s okay. You have owls, and the fried pickles are manna from heaven. One tip though, we need more dip with those.

Well I live on the Atlantic Ocean, where all the sinners and liberals live, but Hooters is still controversial in other parts of this land. I stumbled upon a Christian blog damning Hooters and they actually use the words “bountiful bosom”. Over here, we like to say big boobs. Aside from that, the most daring thing you’ll find at Hooters is that beer coozy with female curves. I do love a clever beer coozy.


2 thoughts on “Tribute to Hooters

  1. Ahh, Bon Jovi style hair. Warrant. You’ve discovered my soft spot! Girls with big hair, and/or big bOObs…now that tickles my fried pickle. Definitely look up the song “Big Boobs” by Steel Panther/Metal Skool. Funny Shit.

    You’ve written a superb expression of love for Hooters. Being human, breathing, and having a johnson…I too am fond of Hooters. In fact I go to their various NJ locations often. Here’s an account of one of those times. I think you’ll enjoy it:

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