As I write this, they are putting new windows on our house, so in between commas and musings on crap, I hear BANGING, CLANGING, glass shattering, and talk of a gorgeous redhead from Ocean City. Apparently, she is worth the trip.
Crap is pretty much my favorite word. It’s succinct and has multiple uses. You can use it in a context so that it means anything. In its most basic usage, it means poop. Any word that can be used to describe poop as well as what I had for dinner is a real workhorse of a word.
Some of us have a calling you might say, for obtaining, retaining, and collecting crap. Sometimes we seek it, going to yard sales and flea markets. Other times, well-meaning relatives and friends heap it upon us. Cold-hearted people re-gift these things or simply throw them out. Then there’s the rest of us, who resign ourselves and place it on the bookshelf. I mean, it was a gift. Besides, who couldn’t use a metal-flea-playing-tennis paperweight?
Signs You Know It’s Crap #1: It’s a paperweight.
Signs You Know It’s Crap #2: The gift giver exclaims, “I just thought of you when I saw it!”
My favorite piece of crap ever bestown to me is a present from my mother. She has a thing for fiber optic gifts. (Signs You Know It’s Crap #3: It has fiber optics.) I have a fiber optic Christmas bear (to be given a full SP tribute at Christmas), a fiber optic UFO light, and a… giant blue globe thing. I’m not sure what it is. Is it a lamp? Not really. Is it a decorative? Not really. It’s a giant bulbous blue globe with a bouquet of plastic flowers and fiber optic lights inside. It looks as though it came from a nameless kiosk in a mall, which also sold knockoff Hello Kitty rhinestone change purses.
My roommate was cleaning out her room and boxing up some of her own crap. Sign #4 of Crap is that it’s near impossible to get rid of. What do you do with it? If you’ve kept it this long, you can’t just ditch it and no one will take it…so you box it up smilingly. And–oh boy–one of her boxes was a real treasure trove. Each item was full of bad taste and horridness. So much, that it was special. It didn’t deserve to boxed up like that. She doesn’t love it anymore. You guys, this crap needs a loving home.
You see, somewhere, there’s a lonely piece of crap in a box, unloved and in the way. It was given in love as a gift, but instead of loved and appreciated, it was ignored and reviled. It had no opportunity to shine. Well I am giving that crap its moment. I am going to let it shine here.
I thought of Adopt a Starving Kid infomercials. You don’t actually get to keep the starving kid 2345353 miles away, you get to adopt him/her in feeling. You can pay like 60 cents a day to feed them, but I just adopt them in feeling when the commericial comes on. Oh yes, I’d take that little boy with the bulging eye!
That’s what I’ll do here. Adopt your own piece of crap. Do it in feeling. Pick your favorite, the one that speaks to you, the one that needs your love the most. Then print it out, carry its picture in your wallet. Love it. Adopt it. It needs you.
1) plastic frog on a ramp thing
Sign It’s Crap #5: You Can’t Tell What It Is. A doorstop perhaps? Your guess is as good as mine.
2) ballerina troll
Whew, this an ugly one. It looks like an old German woman named Helga who will beat you if you don’t eat your gruel. WITHOUT SUGAR. Adopt Helga…if you dare.
3) ratty little stuffed dog
He looks moth-eaten and picked apart, but so would you if no one loved you. But can you honestly look into that face and not see hope?
4) ceramic rainbow dog
Looks like something you coulda shit out of your ass, glazed and all.
5) frog suncatcher
It leads me to Signs You Know It’s Crap #6: it’s a suncatcher. Suncatcher, suncatcher. It sounds like a toy for 8 year old girls, but it’s actually something middle aged women like to hang in the kitchen window.
6) fairy rubber stamp kit
Signs You Know It’s Crap #7: At first, it appears it could be useful, like so many As Seen On TV products. It’s an illusion my friends. You will never, ever need to stamp fairies. Ever.
7) frog in bonnet thing
Another unidentifiable object. Could be a soap dish? Everytime I look at it, I recoil a bit. No words.
8) horse windchimes
Signs You Know It’s Crap #8: It’s Windchimes! As stupid as suncatchers! And look, a horsey!
Well that’s all the crap I got for now. Which is your favorite? What is the crappiest gift you ever recieved? Leaning towards that bonnet frog, aren’t you?