A Halloween Cookie

I found these tins with a single cookie inside.   To warrant an entire tin for itself, I thought this cookie must be delicious.  Cookies have an allure for me.  I remembered the cookies of yore, from my school days, sold by the special interest groups, like music class.  Not that these cookies were any good–it was just a novelty to buy cookies in 3rd period.  Mall Cookies are another fascination of mine, those “cookie cakes” in the glass showcase, crickets chirping around them.  Cookie Crisp Cereal, the forbidden fruit of cereals, the taboo of breakfasts, cookies.  If you were smiling cute enough, you could probably get away with a piece of cake for breakfast the day after your birthday, but never, ever a cookie. 

I had to see the cookie inside this tin.  That it was kind a mystery intrigued me all the more.  Plus, just look at that tin.  It says I Love Cookies with not one, but two exclamation marks.  It says Trick or Cookies.  Jesus.  This is an  inspired tin.  This tin gets Halloween.  You don’t see any goofus-looking Frankensteins with chuckling teeth.  You see old-school ghosts.   And the tin speaks in the language of children–DOUBLE CHOCOLATE and I LOVE COOKIES.   It ain’t gimmicky, it’s just basic kidspeak.

Still, the whole thing was suspiciously generic, even the price of the thing, one dollar.  Then you run into the problem of cookies, Halloween, why. Cookies and Christmas. Peeps and Easter. Funsized Bars and Halloween.  Sure, there’s been cross-contamination with stupid shit like cookie haunted houses (derived from gingerbread houses) and Peeps Christmas trees. But this is just nothing. The company who made this is The Original Gourmet Food Company.   The website looks like it was created in 1996 and hasn’t been updated since.  It’s actually a bit eerie.   It was in fact updated last in 2005, saying in 20-point purple font We cannot guarantee Christmas delivery on any Orders received after 12/12/2005″

The website claims to be “Home of the Mighty Morsel” while the tin says it’s “Home of the Original Double Chocolate Chip Cookie”.  Sounds like a branding problem.  I began to fear my cookie may be an old one, bought long ago in a buyout, discovered in the back of the CVS warehouse, and shipped out to stores.

There she is. I was disappointed the cookie wasn’t even the size of the tin. It was only slightly larger than a Chips Ahoy. Unsurprisingly, it was dry and left a thick, syrupy aftertaste. 

Halloween Tin: B+
Cookie: F in harsh red with a circle around it.

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4 responses to “A Halloween Cookie

  1. Trick or COOKIES. Genius.

  2. An anonymous human

    Your journalistic endeavours are ruining your stomach.You are eating things that normal people would not imagine sticking in thier stomachs.I dont believe you ate that cookie.It looked almost as bad as that donut you got with the breast cancer awareness sprinkles.Whats next????

  3. Now it’s Easter. I received one today and was so dissapointed at the first sight, I began a search for a website prior to even eating the gross thing. I figured I might want to eat it before writing to bitch at them for deceptive advertising and misleading packaging techniques. When you get there, not a single link to the companies inter network web site works. The one that does work is a link to some other site selling paintings. And I am curious as to wether those paintings are not actually stolen copies of Thomas Kincaid(sp) paintings. They look exactly the same in the style used as well as colors. Ok, the cookie sucked too. It was NOT a double chocolate chip. It was NOT original (unless the word original describes the year made). It was NOT the size of its container. It was NOT even half the size of its container. It was NOT that soft. It was NOT very good. IT DID have a dry and powdery like feel on the palate, like too much flour was used and not enough butter or egg or what ever is used to make a cookie taste other than like a bag of flour. The tin is bright and colorful like easter but useless due to its size. If you can contact this Original Gourmet Food Co., please attach a copy of this comment. They suck and should hear it from all two hundred forty three people who have mistakenly bought one of their crappy cookies.
    I think this company made all their shitty cookies and loaded them with chemical preservatives to last 100 years. Just so they could use the bakery for as short a time as possible, then sell it and package them elsewhere.

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