Today I have 3 things to talk about, and it’s kind of a grab bag. A great big grab bag of crap, as all grab bags are sure to contain. Here’s what’s on my mind tonight:
1. The Coleco Head to Head Plug & Play
2. Pizza Hut introduces pasta and Dominos introduces subs
3. What the hell ever happened to Ernie Reyes Jr.?
First, the Coleco Head to Head Plug & Play–I found this at a flea market for 2 bucks. It had never been used, and the controllers were still factory tied, so I shrugged and bought it. I was excited at first because I thought I was scoring a 2 dollar opportunity to try some old Colecovision games, a system that existed before Nintendo, which to me seems like, BC times. This thing isn’t really Coleco though, nor does it have Coleco games. It’s just some cheap Chinese crap straight from Kowloon, Hong Kong, and I really should have known from the packaging. I was blinded by that glorious 2 dollar price tag, alas.
This plug & play is loosely based on the Coleco Head to Head LED games that were popular in the late 70s. Coleco made an entire line of LED games, and some of them even looked like miniature arcade cabinets. These things are before my time, but even Gizmo played Coleco LEDs. That’s how you know they were really awesome.
The Coleco Plug & Play games? Not really awesome. These are cheapest of cheap, knockoffs on top of knockoffs, simple games. There are 12 games total, 6 of which are completely unplayable sports games. They held my attention for about 9 seconds each. They are supposed to mimic the LED handheld games, where only the ball moves, not the players. But who the hell wants to play LED games on a TV screen? Who the hell wants to play LED games except when you’re trapped in the backseat on a 3 hour trip to the mountains in 1986?
There’s a boxing game that has the same sound effects as Mike Tyson’s Punch Out for NES, and an Arkanoid style game that has the same sound effects as Mario’s star powerup. Like I said, knockoffs on top of knockoffs. There’s a game called Sea Defender and one called Sea Madness, and I had no idea these were two different games. Then there’s a game called Kung Fu Fly Catcher, where you test your reaction time by pushing the A button when a fly appears on the screen. And that’s the funnest one. .06 seconds baby. Beat that.
The best thing about the Coleco Head to Head from Kowloon Hong Kong is the useless X and Y buttons on the controller that do nothing; they’re really just there to add more bulk to the already enormous controller. I guess it’s supposed to look retro. Oh yeah, and the thing takes 4 batteries. I spent an additional 6 dollars on a pack of batteries for this thing. I fail.
Next in the grab bag tonight: Pizza Hut Tuscany Pasta. Actually they spell it Tuscani. Tuscani is a model of a Hyundai. Whatever it is, and where ever it’s from, it ain’t pasta neither:
I haven’t eaten this stuff and I think it’s a damn sin that Pizza Hut, holy inventors of the stuffed crust pizza, has stooped this low to serving cheesy gruel with bacon on top. It’s seriously all the rage on the “Mom Blogs.” I just can’t believe moms would serve this to their kids. This looks on par with Hot Pockets and 7-11 Taquitos, and I am no food snob, and I have had my share of both, but I would not feed those items to my kids. And from Pizza Hut! As the spokesperson, and well, the only person of The Surfing Pizza, I demand more from Pizza Hut. Unfortunately, there looks to be two other equally gross “pastas” on the menu as well.
Then there’s Dominos who came out with subs. Is the pizza market that hard up? I’m still not over that traumatizing Oreo Pizza commercial with the cookie moustache/beard. I don’t even wanna say anymore about Dominos subs. Just stop it Dominos. Bring back regular old pizza and stop hiring nosepickers, and people will eat your food without the gimmicks that test the limits of human consumption.
Finally, Ernie Reyes Jr:
He played friend of the Turtles, Keno, in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II, Secret of the Ooze. He was the pizza delivery boy, trusty sidekick of the sequel, and badass ninja. I watched this yesterday while still sick, which means I was totally allowed to do pathetic things like watch this movie for the 2nd time since last year. Someone asked me, isn’t it funny how stupid that movie looks when you watch it for the first time as an adult? I was just like, “oh I just saw it last year” ..ha ha….ha. (And I don’t think it looks stupid.)
Anyway, it got me to thinking I should really Wikipedia and Myspace Ernie Reyes Jr and see what he’s been doing. He was also in The Last Dragon and Surf Ninjas. I remember reading about him as a kid. I had known he was in the new Turtles sequel, and I remember reading about how he was going to big star. Where do you read fluff like this when you’re a kid, before the internet? I think I probably read it in the Ninja Turtles magazine, which I took as gospel. All these years later, I decided to find out if that article was right.
He’s 36 now. Here is his myspace picture:
His last big film credit was as “Cemetary Warrior #2” in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crystal Skull.
And oh CRAP, he’s a Scientologist too.
Life is really starting to depress me.
But you know, and this is heart-warming and encouraging, like chicken soup for the Ernie Reyes letdown: no matter the topic, there is always a loving fan site for it on members.tripod.com.
Here is The Bean’s Ernie Reyes Jr Fan Page: (Turn up the volume for awesome MIDI music!)
It claims to be the 2nd place winner of the 1999 Ernie Reyes Jr Fan Site Contest!
Eh, I’m still depressed.