The Shoney’s Bear

Last week, I found a brand new (in the bag at least) Shoney’s Bear! Man, remember Shoney’s? They were around here in early 90s, late 80s. It was a breakfast buffett place mainly, but according to the website, they sell Rockin’ Ribs Combos and other shit served in wicker baskets. Their slogan is “Aww, that’s Good.”

Anyway, I fucking hated Shoney’s. Even at 10, I knew a communal trough of scrambled eggs wasn’t sanitary. Here’s a tip on what to eat there. Eat out of the dumpster behind the restaurant instead. It’s cheaper and you get the same thing. I liked the Shoney’s Bear though. (See my lifelong love for Animals or Food with Faces that Sell Things.) Shoney’s tanked big by 2000 and is down to only about two hundred stores now, mainly in the south, although there is still one in Hagerstown, Maryland.

But this bear. He’s so damn cute too. You shoulda heard him. He was actually screaming my name. He was screaming my name in a nearly inaudible tone, in the voices that stuffed animals have. Dude, it was weird. I couldn’t just leave him there. He had to come home with me.

This isn’t my actual bear, but here’s his twin brother in a cocoon:


This also reminds me that things are just cuter when their arms are suspended in the air, next to their fat faces. I will talk about this phenomenon at length one day in the future.

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