For the first time since fifth grade, I got to buy a box of small cardboard valentines for my own kid to give out. Of course, the ones pictured above aren’t the ones I bought for my kid. They’re the ones I bought for myself.
And I admit, I’m lying about the Transformers ones. It’s not my first time. I bought those Transformers ones like two years ago when I had no kids. I still have no idea why, but maybe one day my kid will come to me in desperate need of throwback 1980s FREAKING HOLOGRAM Transformers Valentines, and I will save the day.
It really all boils down to that: I dream of saving the day.
So there the wife and I were in the Target aisle, sweating out this huge, critical joint-parental decision of What Valentines to Buy Our Kid. And we weren’t the only ones. Parents (and kids) were hardcore muscling each other around, vying for a prime spot to consider their options. It’s seriously as competitive and picked-over as a Hallmark on Mother’s Day or the pharmacy store on Christmas Eve.
Also, it’s worth mentioning my kid is seven months old. He can’t even give out valentines. He can’t even close his mouth when the dog comes at him full tongue out. Well, actually he seems to open it on purpose. But anyway, why are we even there at all. It’s more of an existential zen thought than it is a question.
Oh right. Baby Valentine’s Brunch, which is a bunch a babies in a room dressed in red sweaters, heart headbands, and bowties. I know it sounds lame, but my kid looked bomb and I ate a grilled breakfast burrito that had potatoes on the inside AND ON THE SIDE. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Anyway, back to Target, where we’re
considering arguing our options:
Jake and the Neverland Pirates: What even the crap is this.
Ninja Turtles: No, I want those for my collection, unless you want to buy two boxes.
Mello Smello: Oh hell yes, Mello Smello Valentines! (See above Ninja Turtles explanation.)
Batman: This isn’t “him.” It’s just not his personality. It’s too dark.
Hellscape Mickey Mouse: (That’s what I call Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, which always features Mickey and friends against a desolate, empty hellscape of boxy computer art.)
We begrudgingly settle on hellscape Mickey Mouse — moreso because other parents are starting to breathe down our necks at this point.
consideration strangely-intense argument: are we going to sign the Valentines “Love, Brian” ? Does he sign that to everyone or just to the girls? The wife suggests a fancy “XO, Brian.” I suggest he should just sign Brian but dot the i with a heart. The wife stares at me oddly for a disturbing amount of time.
Fortunately, we have our decision made for us when we realize the Valentine already fills in the word “From.” The whole dotting the i thing is never ever ever mentioned again.
Also for our Valentine’s Day consideration weirdness:
Lunchables makes Valentines, yo.
You know how Lunchables makes a half-hearted pretense of being somewhat healthy? I mean, not really, but you know how they make a pretense of being somewhat at least “lunch-like?”
Here, they wildly do away with all of that. They just give you random chocolate chips and a scoop of neon pink cake frosting. It’s liberating. It’s radical. It sugar — and absolutely nothing else, six different ways.
– Gummy worms
– Crushed bits of Oreo
– Chocolate syrup
I rate this combination “terrible” because in no way do gummy worms pair well with chocolate syrup, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with crushed cookies.
And in the other:
– Pink stuff
– Graham crackers
– Chocolate chips
I rate this combination “slightly better” because of the pink stuff, the dippability (not a word) of the graham crackers in said pink stuff, and oh those random, weird chocolate chips. I like you. I do.
I would have preferred an easier way to eat all of this. Well, really, I would have preferred to not eat any of this. But I did for you. For “the blog.” I would have preferred more actual “things” like gummy worms, and not just a big gob of chocolate syrup and crushed cookies. Still, there’s something just so “no fucks given” about this, and I have to says Props, Lunchables.