It’s Friday. It’s 3pm. Stop working, sit back, and read about me trying not to barf. This is the BEST kind of post for an afternoon like this, and you know it.
So a few weeks ago, my friend gave me a batch of weird sodas for my birthday. I’ve decided to “live blog” it. I drank them in the order of which I least dreaded them.
Brownie Root Beer was the first one I drank, the only safe one. I drank the entire bottle. It was delicious. Nothing ominous about this one, except for maybe the words CONTAINS MILK. I generally find milk to be “A BAD CHOICE” since it sometimes makes me cramp up and cry for hours, but in this particular instance, it came in peace.
This soda takes the “caramel” and “cream” parts very seriously. This doesn’t have the chemically root beer flavor I’m accustomed too — instead it’s a very rich, creamy, affair. No terrible aftertaste. I like it.
Little did I know, this will be the only thing I like.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Soda. Seems weird but harmless enough. I went into it naively, expecting to like it.
First sip: this is weird, mindfucking. Tastes like peanut butter…and then jelly…and then what can only be described as “chemical cardboard” — no wait, that’s the peanut butter flavor. No, maybe jelly. God, I don’t know what this is or what this tastes like.
At this point the brain just goes “yuck, dude.”
Second sip: “saltwater brine shrimp.” I don’t know where this flavor profile is coming from, but I think it’s my brain’s way of saying stop fucking drinking this shit.
“Seriously, not kidding, dude,” it says.
Third sip: I really really really hate this. At this point I cannot describe it as anything other than pink fluid awfulness.
Little did I know, this will be the only one I made it to three sips with.
Moxie. Moxie claims to be Moxie the oldest continually produced beverage in the United States. It has entire fan clubs online. It has a notorious taste that people pride themselves in acquiring. Hence, the name, it takes a certain amount of moxie to drink this. I was excited to try it and find out just what that notorious taste was.
First sip: EDIT: First millisecond of first sip — Oh gee, this is good, a cola — ACCCKKKKKKK AAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG SICKKKKK IT TASTES EXACTLY LIKE STOMACH BILE. I’M NOT KIDDING.
It’s extremely bitter. Bottom contents of your empty, writhing stomach, praying to the porcelain Gods bitter.
Second sip: Umm, the back of my throat is doing that tightening thing that happens before you puke. I have a rock of a stomach (except for milk; milk is bad) so I’m certain I won’t puke, and that my throat is only doing that because of the brain/bile association.
To be safe, THERE IS NO THIRD SIP.
Little did I know, that feeling of nausea would not go away.
Buffalo Wing Soda — with the nausea I’m currently experiencing, I can’t even begin to describe the extreme hesitation it took me to bring this to my lips. I took the tiniest sip humanly possible. I really don’t even know what it tastes like because I’m still battling my inner demons with that Moxie soda.
It tasted…tangy though.
Second sip: I decided to man up and just take a big gigantic swig of it, for science. AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS IS. Spicy barf? Tangy orange ranch? God, kill me.
There is no third sip, so alas, the world may never find out exactly what that flavor was.
Finally Bacon soda. I don’t know if I can do this. It smells like Bacon Bits. Liquid bacon bits, liquid death, whatever.
First sip: Oddly, it’s not bad. It’s not drinkable but it’s not making me cry. Its has this super salty-soy-doing-an-impersonation of corn-syrup-glazed-pork vibe going on about it, but at this point, I’m willing to rate that as a positive.
Still. THERE IS NO SECOND SIP.
EDIT: About an hour later after compiling down all of my thoughts here, I went ahead and took another sip of the Moxie, after reading a bit more of the raving Amazon reviews. Like, to see if I could do it.
Final word: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK.