Cooking with the Surfing Pizza: Drop Biscuits and Eggs

IMG_0889

After a teeny-tiny scare in which everything is completely okay, the doctor advised the wife to take it easy over the weekend. No lifting, no exercise, no vigorous activity. She took it literally. I took it to mean NO MOVEMENT WHATSOEVER FOR THE REST OF THE DURATION OF THIS PREGNANCY.

She wasn’t having it.

Okay, fine. COMPLETE BEDREST. I’d allow sitting up for meals and timed intervals for bathroom breaks.

She wasn’t having it.

So we compromised at what we called “couchrest.” Well, the wife was calling it “captivity.” But the idea was she’d hang out on the couch the entire weekend. I’d set up a little desk next to the couch for her laptop, gather books and magazines for reading, and neatly arrange all of the remotes on the coffee table in front of her. I’d take care of everything, all the house chores, and all of the three hundred glasses of water she requested throughout the day.

And this might just become a cooking blog for the next five months, because I’m cooking all of the meals from now on.

Reluctantly, she agreed.

So first thing Saturday morning, I began my project/missive/calling by making breakfast. She’d had a craving for fresh-baked biscuits and had intended to make them. I assured her I could make them just as well. You mix milk, flour, and butter in a bowl. Big deal.

Oh, and baking soda. Baking soda is a very important ingredient. Critically important.

Painfully important.

IMG_0848

Meanwhile, the wife was in the other room, blissfully unaware, making sure I remembered to bring in the jelly.

I waited. I waited and I learned. I learned that giving them five more minutes at a time does nothing to improve their state. It will only ensure they fully and completely bake onto the pan forever.

These were not biscuits. They were a new form of cement.

“I think you need to re-imagine your definition of a biscuit,” I announced, ominously. Like if you imagined only the top flaky layer, which had to be violently scraped off with a spatula, and it wasn’t really flaky, but instead the consistency of wet clumps of bread.

I moved onto the eggs. Eggs are another problem spot in my cooking repertoire. I can never tell when they’re supposed to be done. There seems to be a very thin line between “pool of salmonella” and “overcooked mass of rubber.” And because cooking is more like a state of anxiety for me than it is an activity, I just go ahead and make sure it’s an overcooked mass.

IMG_0849

I served it to the wife, who ate all of it, even the cement biscuits, because she is a pregnant lady. Her hunger is ravenous, indiscriminating, and wolf-like, all of time. You don’t even know. She even complimented the eggs, saying I’ve always had a “flair” for making them.

We were only about twenty minutes into couchrest, but the kitchen had turned into a disaster zone.

IMG_0864

Also, I dropped the roll of tin foil and it rolled across the floor, completely unraveling. I learned it can never, ever go back to the way it was, and that makes me really sad.

20140205_091905

The kitchen was a goner. The kitchen was a fallen solider I had to leave behind. I refused to eat any of that crap I’d made, and the wife was still starving.

It was time for plan B.

IMG_0853

They say fast food is addictive. It probably is. I don’t care. McDonald’s is like a warm, comforting hug.

About these ads

19 responses to “Cooking with the Surfing Pizza: Drop Biscuits and Eggs

  1. I literally laughed out loud. I guess that would be “LLOL”

  2. Sounds like what I do in the kitchen.

  3. I love your attempts at baking; I’m looking forward to more adventures in the kitchen! Even though it didn’t turn out that great, your wife is very lucky that you’re so willing to cook/clean/take care of her!

  4. Chop up your cold butter into slices and massage it into the biscuit dough. It should be in small pieces but not completely broken down. Folding in the fat is really important for keeping biscuits light.

    I may seem to just write stupid posts about sports but got damn I know biscuits

  5. It says “Hooray for shops that will do your cooking for you!”
    Your aluminium foil also makes me sad. But happy. Because it got to be two different things before it was used and discarded.

  6. Wait. Wait just a sec. When did I start following you, again? This is only the veryfirst thing that has ever shown up in my Reader from you and IT IS ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL. What have I been missing? I must now go and find out. I love your voice, your humor, your vocab, your understated style, your ending, your dutifulness, your blog name. Oh, and your granite!

  7. Awesome story! How was the food from McDonald’s? ;)

  8. Never fear! For future biscuit-related endeavors, may I suggest a boxed mix that may also be used for pancakes, waffles, etc. should the need arise. Also, when eggs look like they’re approaching doneness but are still a bit wiggly or wet, take the pan off the burner and jam a lid on it. Leave it alone for 5 minutes or so, and cooking will complete. As an added bonus, letting the proteins cool down slightly makes for easier pan removal.
    If it helps, I do food posts every Friday, and I’m really keen on easy, one-pot style cooking.

  9. I never quite figured out how to cook eggs either. I’m good at getting an omelet started, but it just winds up as a dry pile of egg with stuff in it.

  10. http://saltwatercureseverything.wordpress.com/2013/10/25/south-in-your-mouth/

    I cook a lot and oddly enough, don’t post much on cooking. However, if you look at this post – the collards and pork are SUPER easy to make. That’s why i wrote them in paragraph form. They are so easy, you can’t really screw them up. You can change up all the ratios, most of the spices and alter the cooking times by about 10 minutes give or take on the pork and about 40 minutes on the greens … and you will still be 100percent ok.

    Don’t attempt the grits, though. You are not ready for that step. But if you want to make her dinner, pork and collard greens. Delicious, healthy, hearty and EASY.

    good luck!

    • Cooking pork, I’m afraid I’d give the wife trichinosis. We’re vegetarian anyhow. (Although she has recently re-crossed “the meat threshold” which is perhaps its own post…)

  11. I never had to laugh while reading a blog post before. thanks for that, man!

  12. Well at least you learned about tinfoil xD

  13. I just want to say thanks for the great belly-laugh from this post! Best of luck with couchrest!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s