Say Cheese

I have this OCD thing about food, particularly dairy, that I won’t eat it if it’s been in the refrigerator longer than 2 or 3 days. I never re-heat leftovers and refrigerated pizza scares me. It’s old.

This drives the girlfriend crazy. Our number one–and perhaps only arguement–is about milk. She uses the entire bottle down to the last drop; I would be fine buying a new bottle every other day.

As a result of my OCD, I often end up with a lot of wasted food languishing on the shelves of the refrigerator. As I was cleaning out the fridge tonight, I came upon a bag of shredded cheese, barely used. I had bought the cheese for tacos weeks ago, but only used a small amount, and now here it was–perfectly good cheese, the kind that’s pasteurized to high hell, and won’t expire until December.

But it’s old.

I was about to toss it in the trashcan when I paused. This was such a waste, but what if I could do something with it? Of course, it’s Halloween and all, and I do have the Halloween Countdown….

Now I know crafty people sometimes get creative and carve watermelons, apples, and other bulbous fruits and vegetables that aren’t pumpkins. I’m certainly not the first to challenge the pumpkin carving norms. But as a creative person, I’m always trying to come up with something brand new, something the world has not seen….

What I’ve made is quite possibly the most digusting thing you’ll see today.

I piled the cheese onto a plate.

I needed a way to “carve” it, to give it a face. So I popped it in the microwave to melt it, to give me some consistency to work with. I was the artist, cheese was my clay.

I created Cheese-O-Lantern:

Geez, you really learn things. For starters, I’ve never noticed cheese is so oily, or that so much of it would soak through the paper plate and leave a sludge trail on the table. I’ve also never noticed cheese could be so full of expression.

Cheese-O-Lantern smelled. A cross between cheddar, toejam, and gym shoes. The other problem was that it was difficult to keep Cheese-O-Lantern’s face in place. The cheese kept gooping back together. But as it began to harden, Cheese-O-Lantern’s face stayed put, and I was able to push the cheese around to form a smile:

“Do you smile to tempt a lover, Cheese-O-Lantern?
Or is this your way to hide a broken heart?
Many dreams have been brought to your doorstep
They just lie there and they die there

Are you warm, are you real, Cheese-O-Lantern?
Or just a cold and lonely lovely work of art?”

I think I want a poster of that.

I made a Butter-O-Lantern too, though I wasn’t as charmed by him. But I’ve posted him on The Surfing Pizza’s Facebook Page, which you should become a fan of, because I only need 22 more people to become a Real Facebook Page just as Pinocchio becomes a real boy. That really just means I can set a user name.

Cheese-O-Lantern loves you. Do you know the love of Cheese-o-Lantern? Have you accepted Cheese-O-Lantern into your heart?