I have all these ideas. I don’t know if they’re good or bad ideas, funny or stupid ideas. My brain has no quality control. I’ve always had them. One time I had this idea to drop a flashlight on my sister’s face. That sounds quite barbaric, but I was thinking of a spotlight. I stood over the foyer, and she stood at the bottom of the stairs. The idea was that the spotlight would shine on her face just like in a play, and she would catch the flashlight before it busted her face open. So it was actually her fault when her face busted open. She didn’t catch it. And that’s also the arguement I used when my mother’s face turned purple upon seeing my sister’s red bloody face. I’ve always been a great arguer too.
I never have the kind of ideas that could make me any money, like inventions. For instance, I could have totally invented the ShamWow. It’s a magical towel. How come I couldn’t come up Magical Towels? Instead I come up with Surfing Pizzas. Tonight I had another one of my ideas: Peeps Stunt Cycle. It’s a motorcycle taking death-defying leaps over … Peeps. Yep, that’s my idea. Like I said, no quality control. It’s straight from my brain to THE SURFING PIZZA, and that’s the kinda crap you’ve come to expect.
But let me pitch this one to you before we go any further. Let me show you how I had it pictured it in my head:
Some daredevils jump rows of cars, tanks of sharks, and open pits filled with rattlesnakes. Ghost Rider trumps them all, daring to jump over rows of Peeps. FOUR ROWS OF PEEPS, people. It blows your mind. Also, because Ghost Rider leaves a trail of burning flames behind him, the Peeps catch fire as Ghost Rider flies over them, perfect for Smores.
But that’s not all folks….
As the finish, Ghost Rider would also explode through a wall of neon pink Peep bunnies. You’re welcome.
So let’s take a look at this Ghost Rider guy and see what he’s all about.
This launching motorcycle toy is from the Nic Cage film. The launcher is a huge hunk of plastic shaped like bike handlebars, which you use to rev up and launch the motorcycle straight from hell. When you rev it, it makes an impressively loud rumble.
One thing that’s cool about this toy is that the Ghost Rider and motorcycle are two pieces–Ghost Rider isn’t soldered onto the bike. When the bike is in action, he holds on pretty well too. And he best hold on for his next jump, Peeps Stunt Cycle. If he falls off, he’ll be enveloped and suffocated in partly-stale marshmallows.
Let’s get a close up of those marshmallows…
I bet I could be a professional JustBorn photographer. I think I captured the texture, the essence of the Peeps here. Give me the goddamn Peeps Pulitzer.
I’ve never noticed before, because I usually just shove two or three in my mouth at once, but the Peeps are a little chubby-looking. They are fat baby-chicken marshmallows that sparkle under the flash of the camera. This is a strange, beautiful candy.
This is what Ghost Rider’s up against:
This is the action angle. You’ve got the best seat in the house. You’ll notice there are only 4 Peeps in each row, when a box contains 5 Peeps. I’ll confess, I ate a few.
You’ll also notice the one little guy off to the side. He’s the referee of course!
I have an overhead angle of the jump as well:
Isn’t your heart just racing to see whether Ghost Rider can make the jump? Alright then. Let’s get this bitch started. Start your engine, Johnny Blaze.
I took two videos, as one could never be enough for something as spectacular as a PEEPS STUNT CYCLING MATCH. The first jump came out kind of sucky, but I got some air on the second jump.
Idea executed. Whaddya think? Do you think I have a future in organizing daredevil Peep jumps? It began with my living room floor…next comes the Grand Canyon?
I wasn’t completely satisfied with the experience. Something more needed to happen. Something truly exciting. I had another idea. What if a huge fucking dinosaur came and destroyed the Peeps Worldwide Arena?
Well one did.
After Ghost Rider crashed, the crowd went silent. Everyone held their breath. Then one precocious kid noticed his cup of water was rippling. What the hell is that, he thought. It rippled again. Then he heard a low, thunderous sound. Another. THEN A RED T-REX STORMED THE ARENA.
The Peeps freaked out and started scattering for their lives. The Peeps Worldwide Arena turned to mayhem. Ghost Rider couldn’t escape, having suffered both broken legs, five broken femurs, two cracked skulls, and one leaky concussion. In fact, Ghost Rider was dead as shit.
Chaos. Bunnies were riding chics trying to get out of there. Peeps were crashing into each other. Some were frozen. Some were hiding. Some were bald.
The T-Rex began smashing them. The Peeps were shrieking. Have you ever heard a marshmallow shriek? I have. It’s a sound that will haunt me until the day I die.
Oh, what a massacre. WARNING: The following images are graphic. Turn on Sarah McLachlan’s Angel while you view them.
Truly, a gory scene. You can see there was Peeps “blood” everywhere. I had a lot of fun crushing these with my feet. So much fun in fact, I recommend buying a bunch of Peeps on sale, setting them up on the floor, and just stomping them. They make a very satisfying squish underneath your feet. I wouldn’t do it on carpet though–I would imagine getting marshmallow out would be like getting Bubbalicious outta your hair.
TA DA DA DA! One of the little guys escaped, cleverly stealing Ghost Rider’s motorcycle! Guess who it was? The referee! I know you all secretly like the referee best, as did I, so I had to spare him and give this post a happy ending.
Alright, enough playing. Time to clean this shit up.
The aftermath. I’m totally using this image on my Easter cards.